Does the smell of road kill give you goose bumps? Have dangerously high levels of gravy been detected in your spinal fluid? Then you just might be one of those rare overweight individuals who could somehow benefit from our funny top ten list of totally ineffective weight loss tips.

Our Most Useless Advice for Losing Weight

+ Start performing the Heimlich Maneuver right after saying Grace.

+ Paste pictures of ankle-length cellulite on your refrigerator.

+ Evacuation of nearby population centers is just one of the telltale signs that you'd better lay off the pork and beans.

+ Never eat when you're quivering or sniveling.

+ Seek immediate medical attention if a beer belch lasts longer than 4 hours.

+ Listen to what Oprah does... and then do something else.

+ Put down your funnel between swills.

+ Eat nothing larger than you can suck through a straw, or subdue with one chopstick.

+ Never struggle with a waiter attempting to remove unlicked dishes.

+ Consider gastric bypass surgery. This will allow food to drop directly from your mouth to your rectum, without providing any nutrition (just some very tense moments between gas stations).

Hey, wait a minute. We may have put the cart before the horse. Since we didn't have any way to get you to take off all your clothes, and dance around naked in front of us, we just assumed that you need to lose weight. But maybe that's not true!

Therefore, before you endanger your health by plunging ahead with any of our hairbrained weight loss tips, our high-priced corporate attorneys would strongly recommend that you first take the following little quiz...

How to Tell If You're Disgustingly Overweight

+ Where would you rank self-loathing, compared to a Big Mac?

+ Is your waist at least 10-inches smaller than your hips? How about your hot water tank?

+ When police yell "assume the position," do you automatically grab a knife and fork?

+ Are your wrists among your problem areas?

+ Do you routinely use a sump pump to make room for dessert?

+ Does industrial sewage remind you of French fries?

+ Do your jowls smother your partner whenever you go on top?

+ Does your favorite chair have a beer bong attachment?

+ Does foreplay occasionally fail to locate all your sex organs?

+ Do you only diet on the advice of a mortician?

If you found these tips helpful, watch for our next funny top 10 list entitled, "Bulimics Rate Their Top 10 Toilet Foods."  Don G. Asmus